There is this old Keith Urban song, "But for the grace of God" that I love. The theme of the song has to do with a fighting couple but that's not why I love the song. I love the song because of the title. There is nothing more precious than God's grace, at least not in my eyes and he gives this gift to us so freely so undeservedly. I can speak from personal experience on this subject. Having not always made the right choices God has always given me grace and blessed me with the most amazing life; one better than I ever could have imagined for myself and for that I am eternally thankful. But...yes there's a but...sometimes even the most grateful of us take his grace for granted. The story I am about to share is one of grace and the gifts from God that I sometimes take for granted.
On Monday, April 30th I was scheduled to visit my perinatal specialist for a routine check-up. My OB requires that his patients visit the specialist at least twice during their pregnancy to monitor fetal development; specifically to watch for any abnormalities. This particular visit was one that Daniel and I had been waiting for, for weeks---this was the day we would find out the sex of Baby J! I woke up that morning (early by my standards, late by Husband's) at 7:45. I did my usual which is to look at my phone and review any pending emails. I noticed I had two missed calls from an "Unknown" number. Now, I must admit, I am terrible absolutely terrible at checking voice mail but something tugged at me and told me to listen. The first message was from the night before. It was my OB calling to tell me he wanted to review some of my blood work from the week before. "Ok nothing strange here other than he told me I could call him up to 11 PM at night." Then I played the next message. It was my OB calling again, he called at 7:40:27 AM to be exact. In a brief moment my heart sank with news I NEVER thought I would hear. He called to tell me that my prenatal screening from the week before came back with a positive result that I could be carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome. Immediately my stomach turned and tears began to gush from my eyes. "What, how, when?" I didn't know what to do or who to call. I was in hysterics ridden by fear. I couldn't even call Daniel to have a coherent conversation with him because I was so upset. The dogs knew something was wrong and immediately they hopped on the bed and began to console me. A text...a text was all I could do to tell Daniel what I had just heard. What a horrible way to receive horrible news. My mind was racing...still I did not know what to do. I am a fixer, if there's a problem I fix it. I stay in control and I forge ahead. I couldn't do it this day. Then I text one of my oldest dearest friends, Olivia.
Olivia and I have been in each others lives since we were 14 and 15. Hard to imagine it's been over 15 years. In those 15 years we drift in and out of each other's lives as life has taken us down different paths but since my wedding we have grown close again. So close in fact that recently we email each other every day with updates on her sweet angel baby Burke and my pregnancy. She is also one of those wise friends that you always need around you. I texted Olivia because her sweet Burke has DS. She immediately wrote me back and told me to calm down and that we would talk. As promised she called me back, we talked through everything and she told me what steps to take next. My parents were in town visiting but I couldn't imagine telling them. I gathered myself and walked downstairs and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. I was in a fog, a daze, kind of frozen by shock. Daniel had already told me he was on his way home.
As soon as Daniel arrived home he walked up to me and all the strength I had mustered to "act normal" was gone and I broke down. My heart hurt so much and I was so sad. "How could this have happened" I kept asking him. The next moments were a blur. My mom noticed I was crying and asked why and I told her. My parents began to cry and the look on my dad's face was one of absolute shock and hurt...hurt for me. I crawled into bed and asked to be left alone. This is how I deal with things...alone. But then I needed Husband. He laid with me for awhile and held me. I could feel his heart racing and his hands shaking as he held me. Even he was scared. He finally convinced me to get up and get dressed in preparation for my appointment. He called my OB who explained the situation.
The situation is this. My OB prefers that his patients be screened for DS, Trisomy 18 and other genetic disorders. His main reasoning is because if there is a problem then he wants to be sure baby can be treated effectively. I had originally told Daniel I did not want to do this. Whatever it is, it is. God has a plan and if his plan is that we have a baby with a genetic disorder then it is our job to fulfill that plan. This is a very touchy subject, one that we all have our own opinions on and one where there really is no right or wrong answer. So you can imagine my surprise when Daniel told me at our first OB visit that he wanted the screening. I thought we were on board wtih the same plan but at the last moment he changed his mind. I agreed mostly because Olivia had been so candid with me about her experience with Burke. She declined the testing and he was born with DS. She put it perfectly when she said, "You could go through your pregnancy in bliss not knowing and then be shocked if it is positive like I was OR you can find out and prepare--it depends which you prefer." She never told me which route to take but her candidness with her experience made me decide to go through with the screening. And so I did. The first results came back completely normal. 1:400 chance that we would have a baby with DS. My ultrasounds looked great, nothing to worry about. Phew! My second result (the one that alarmed my OB) came back 1:68. To put that in perspective that means 1 out of every 68 mommies would have a baby with DS which is equivelant to 1%. My OB told me he would be faxing the test results to the perinatal specialist and he would likely discuss further testing options.
We arrived to the perinatal specialists office and sat in the waiting room for what felt like ages. Our appointment was at 1 on the dot. I couldn't catch my breath, my head was pounding and Daniel was a nervous mess. "Jenkins." That was us...my stomach flipped again. "How are you today Mrs. Jenkins?" I wanted to say, "Oh great, you know we just found out our baby may not be ok but other than that I'm as peachy as ever!" The ultrasound tech started and then the doc came in and began all his measurements. "Everything looks a berry nice Mrs. Jeeenkins," (he has a thick South American accent). Then he proceeded to tell me that he found a small spot on our baby's heart. He explained that this is quite common with mommies who are very thin and/or of Asian decent. "Phew, I fit both those," (not that I am THAT thin, but I am petite) I thought. THEN he told me that this spot is also sometimes related to DS! Once again the room was spinning, I lost my breath and my heart stopped. He told me he wasn't concerned since my results looked normal. Then I asked him if he had received the newest results. He had not. Once I told him about my blood work he then changed his direction. He told me that since the result was positive it was best to do further testing if we wanted. He recommended amnio or a new test called MaterniT21. This is a new test approved by the FDA last fall which has a 99% detection rate for DS. He recommended we meet with the geneticist in the office who would go through the testing options.
We met with the geneticist. Our options were 1) no testing, 2)amnio-100% detection but 3% chance of causing a miscarriage AND 3)MaterniT21-99% detection. We asked for her opinion on what she thought was best and she said it depended on us. Did we need 100% clarity or would 99% be enough? At this point 99% was not enough. We opted for amnio. Many will disagre with us on this choice but that is the choice we made. Twenty minutes later I was back in the exam room being prepped for amnio. I was not expecting it to hurt as much as it did. I was so tense and kept trying to breathe but my body was rigid from tension and the discomfort of the needle. I cried as the procedure took place. Not so much tears of pain but tears of heartache. Just a few hours ago I was in bliss, happy and doing nothing but wondering Boy or Girl? When the procedure was over the doctor told me he had a little more difficulty with me becuause my ab muscles were so strong. Damn all those crunches I did in the past (insert funny haha moment here). It worked, he made me crack a smile. The first I had all day. After the procedure I was shaking and miraculously my pounding headache was gone. I think it was all the adrenaline running through my body. I was told to do nothing but rest the next two days. We were also told preliminary results would be ready in 48 hours. By my calculation that would be Wednesday at exactly 3:30. After our appointment Daniel broke the news to his parents. They were devestated and heart broken for us. They too began to pray for the next 48 hours.
Wednesday, May 2nd...I woke up that morning feeling some peace. The night before I had a panic attack and started to cry uncontrollably thinking "what if." Now everyone can tell you, "stay positive, don't think about it..." but the truth is we are human and sometimes we freak out. I had prayed non-stop the last two days. My conversations with God were candid. I told him that no matter what I trusted him but what I feared most were my feelings of dissapointment, embarrassement and shame. I told him it didn't mean I wouldn't love my precious baby but that I knew I would have these feelings and I felt guilty for even thinking I would feel that way. I prayed for peace and strength. My faith never waivered, one thing I know is that God has a plan. That's the easy part. The hard part is when the plan isn't our plan. How do we cope? By God's mercy I had a lot going on with work that day so I was busy working on projects all day. Everytime my phone rang my heart skipped a beat. Then the call came at precicesly 3:36 PM (almost exactly on time). "Mrs. Jenkins, has anyone called you to discuss your results?" "No I responded." "Well Mrs. Jenkins I have good news...."
That was it, that was all I remember from the conversation. She went on to tell me that based on the preliminary results they were 98% positive that our baby did NOT have DS or Trisomy 18 and that the full results would be ready next week. I immediately burst into tears. I don't remember a lot more of the conversation except saying, "thank you so very much!" I called Daniel next and told him the news. He was elated, "That is good baby, that is REAL good. God is good!" Then I called my mom and told her. What a sigh of relief!
Up until this point I had not told any of you what was going on. As always I distance myself when faced with challenging times. I kind of hunker down with God during times like these. Some of you were texting asking the sex of the baby and I couldn't bring myself to tell you. Mainly because it no longer mattered during those two days...and it was kind of overshadowed by the days events. Our baby is healthy and "normal" but there are many who are not and the parents of these precious angels face a daily challenge we will never know. Their strength, courage and love truly exemplify the human spirit and these parents I will forever respect. I wanted to share my story with all of you to remind you that God is good. Again, how can we not be beleivers? Once again he has shown me his grace. Once again he proved He is rhighteous. And once again, I proved I was human by taking him for granted. The lesson for me is to cherish this miracle that is our baby...to cherish health and family and to always keep my faith.
But for the GRACE of GOD!
And for those wondering...it was confirmed...our little angel is a GIRL!
